Care and Feeding of Your Lapchild

Perhaps it was because I was giddy after a short break in Miami with my husband (sans our Bee) or maybe it was all the margaritas I drank in ridiculously swift succession while we were still on the ground, but when the flight attendant reviewed the pre-flight instructions and referred to people with a “lapchild” I completely lost it. 

I laughed until tequila-scented tears rolled out of my eyes. To the point that even later in the flight the attendant bearing alcoholic drinks pretended not to see me.

Lapchild. Like all one word.

And it’s even more hilarious when you have a flight attendant who is clearly from the American South because not only does “lapchild” come out all in one word, it’s like lapchial. This only added to my mirth.

I could not resist the urge to present my vision of my daughter as a lapchild, sitting quietly and obediently on my lap, silently, calmly preparing for air travel. I will just remember to never, ever let her see this blog when she’s at that phase of adolescent development known by most modern clinicians as the “Bratz Doll Phase of Human Development.”

If you haven’t flown for a while, the lapchild seems to be a relatively new introduction to stewardess lingo. To the airline industry, a lapchild is a child that is too small to have his or her own seat and that would travel better if held by the parent. Most airlines keep the cutoff age at around two before a child has to have an individual seat and I’ve decided that it is probably best to accept their recommendation.

In naming a new species of human, the ubiquitous lapchial, the airline industry and passengers alike benefit. These are experts of the air and they’ve seen it all. They know, for instance, that if you try to hold a two year old down on your own for more than 20 minutes, there are going to be struggles, problems, and the kind of screaming you used to look down on people for doing in the middle of Target before you have kids but now that you do have your own kids, you’ve totally fallen prey to at least once and no longer judge.

I am all about thrifty travel, but there is no way on earth I would ever try to claim a lapchild where no lapchild existed. Besides, many airlines do request that you bring along a copy of a birth certificate for children, which means that if they really wanted to, they could easily “card” your kid and confirm or deny true lapchild status. If you fudged age a little with the optimistic notion that your kid would sit and be fine, you might get stuck paying for that extra ticket anyway or worse, dealing with your decision by holding your squirmy poser lapchild for hours on end with no respite.

If you have a true lapchild, an infant who cannot even sit up, the lapchild concept is incredibly generous of the airlines. They are treating you and your infant as one person and allowing you to be close for feedings, cuddling, and if you hope hard enough and wish on your lucky stars, some sleep. If you even have the slightest shadow of doubt that your child is a bit too old to sit and be docile on your lap, don’t even think about it. For your own sake.

There is far more on the subject of traveling on airplanes with kids, but I couldn’t resist sharing this tidbit. What are your experiences with traveling with a lapchial?